You ever wake up, look in the mirror, and think, “Ah yes, I could really use some bovine connective tissue to brighten my day”? No? Well, welcome to the world of collagen, where you pay top dollar to ingest powder made from the stuff cows use to keep their skin from falling off.
It’s everywhere—collagen supplements, collagen smoothies, collagen face masks. I mean, sure, I could eat a salad, but will it restore my youthful glow? Nope. Better slap on a collagen mask made from fish scales because that’s obviously going to reverse 20 years of questionable skincare choices.
And don’t forget collagen-infused coffee! Because if there’s one thing my morning routine is missing, it’s bouncy cheeks and nourished joints while I’m trying to caffeinate my soul to life. Imagine being at Starbucks and asking for a “Grande Collagen Latte.” The barista hands you a cup of hot glue. Close enough, right?
Let’s not even talk about the promise of "age-defying" benefits. Collagen is supposed to be this miracle fountain of youth, but here I am, gulping it down, and I still get ID’d for buying alcohol, not because I look young—because I walk like I need a cane. Thanks, collagen.
Oh, and of course, it’s tasteless! That’s code for, “We’re charging you a fortune for powder that tastes like nothing, but trust us, it’s doing wonders!” I just love adding it to my water, like, “Hmm… tastes like air. Must be working.”
So here’s to collagen, the magical dust that promises to make me look like I’m 25 again, but in reality, just reminds me that I’m spending more on powdered cow parts than on actual food. At least my elbows will be wrinkle-free. Priorities, right?
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