So, What Actually Happens in Church?
You ever notice how people walk into church all solemn and holy, but the second they step out, it’s like they hit a reset button back to default settings? Like, what even happens in there? Are they getting baptized in holy water or just rinsing off their weekly guilt? Because let’s be real—some of these folks leave the church doors with the same judgmental, greedy, and self-centered energy they walked in with, just slightly more perfumed.
Honestly, Sunday service sometimes feels less like a spiritual renewal and more like a social event where people show up to say, “Look at me, I’m pious!” Meanwhile, their thoughts are somewhere between, What’s for lunch? and Why is Sister Margaret wearing that hat? (Seriously, that hat has its own gravitational field.)
And let’s not even talk about the sermon. Some are deep and inspiring, but others? Whew. The pastor could be delivering the greatest wisdom of all time, but half the congregation is nodding off like they took a melatonin shot before walking in. Others are just waiting for the “turn to your neighbor and say...” moment so they can pretend to be engaged.
Then there’s the offering plate—aka, the moment people suddenly become professional mimes, acting like they forgot how to use their hands. Some folks drop in a coin so light it probably floats, while others pretend to put something in, giving God an I.O.U. (I see you, Brother Steve, with that fake-out donation move.)
And let’s not forget about the post-church parking lot showdown. One minute, people are holding hands and singing hymns, and the next, it’s Fast & Furious: Holy Edition as they aggressively honk and cut each other off to get out first.
So, is church day just a social obligation? A weekly performance of Holiness: The Musical? Maybe. Or maybe people are just trying their best, failing spectacularly, and showing up every Sunday for another chance to get it right—kind of like a spiritual gym membership they barely use but feel good about having.
Either way, next time you see Sister Karen throw shade right after singing “Amazing Grace,” just know—you’re not alone in wondering what actually goes down in there. Amen and pass the mashed potatoes!
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